So, there is this time when you are planning to have a baby, or not planning and it comes to some lovely surprise. For me, I have waited for two years for my husband to say ‘yes’, three months to conceive and I have almost spent 12 weeks getting my first ultrasound.
It happened on that workwise horribly morning when I saw some discharge. Ouch! “This is how miscarriage happens”, I thought. But at the same time, I immediately canceled all the meetings and rested with my legs up, simply to monitor my condition. Lying in bed was going very well until I walked our beautiful lab, Max. A bit more red blood coming out, can it be any harm?
One of the first and simplest facts about miscarriage – you never wait for it. You call your GP, you make an appointment with an early assessment department. You wait, you think, you hope. I guess at this moment, my mind split into two parts. I was consciously preparing myself for miscarrying the baby, the baby that by week ten should look like a real baby with separated fingers and toes, with bones, eyes, ears, and actual mouth. But then, this is week ten, it is almost the end of the first trimester, and she should be strong enough by now. My second part was trying hard to convince me that it is just a harmless discharge and this is definitely not how miscarriage happens.
On this day, when you drive to the hospital, enter the early assessment department and get into the ultrasound room where you are about to see her. All I could think was ‘heartbeat, heartbeat, I need to hear the heartbeat’.
All I heard was though: “How many weeks do you think you are at?”
“Do I think I am…?!”
This is how I knew there was no heartbeat. In fact, only a few days later, while reading a leaflet about the effects of a miscarriage on the body I learned the term “a silent miscarriage”. This is when your baby stops developing at a certain stage. That day when we went to our first ultrasound, she would have been ten weeks old. But she was six or maybe seven.
They say it is common, they send you home with a brochure and all those thousands of emotions that you are probably carrying. They asked me to think about my options. And all I wanted was to be recovered.
And here, I guess, comes the hardest part for all women and men. We are all individuals, we are all unique with different levels of sensitivity. What are you supposed to do next? You can’t mourn about something you have never had, can you? But then you do. How will you be recovering from a miscarriage?
We came home, we had lunch, I had my first, not free-from-alcohol can of beer, watched an episode, and fell asleep. My alarm was set to 4 pm because at 5 pm I should have picked up our son from the nursery. I had only this much time to mourn, to cry, to be devastated. And then I should have been happy and playful and relaxed again. After the nap, I decided to take a shower, and there I had all my feelings out. We went to the nursery together with my husband and spent a nice evening all together.
Of course, it was not the end and of course, it takes time to heal. In my case, it was at least due to the fact that I still had her inside of me. Looking ahead, recovering from a miscarriage wasn’t an easy task for me at all. For most women, it includes physical and emotional pain after.
I spent two days in pain. Weekends were full of activities: birthdays, movie nights, crafts, games, our first play in the city center, dinner at the restaurant, and more. We were on our way back home in a subway where I felt I started to bleed. “Oh, this is how miscarriage happens…?!”, I questioned my mind. My pants were soaked wet with the blood dripping on the floor in less than 20 minutes. What a great choice of color, I was wearing black pants. That night we called an ambulance, never ever I have seen so much blood in my life.
I have waited all alone for five hours in a hospital’s waiting room for a four-minute internal check. My husband was not allowed to accompany me. At 4 am, they sent me home again. The next day I felt great and somewhat relieved until it was 2 pm. The amount of pain I felt was incredibly huge. For three hours and a half, I was practicing yoga child pose. I even cried although I am quite resistant to any kind of torture. The tremendous pain was similar to when you give birth to a child but even then, it was way stronger and terribly agonizing. Everything feels numb, your body hurts, and you have no idea where to put yourself.
It is a pity to watch your husband sitting nearby simply because they seem to be so helpless. Probably, they would rather take your pain away, but they can’t. We called the ambulance and it refused to come stating that I was not qualified enough. You won’t be wrong to say that this was the moment I felt I was left without no support from the government, and yes, I hated the fact I am obliged to pay over £15.000 GBP in tax annually, and yet get no help in one of the humblest moments of my life.
So, you may say, miscarriage is a process, and your body needs time. Now I definitely know, this is not a pleasant experience any human being would like to go over and over again.
But then…during one of those morning dog walks, I thought that I really have got only two choices:
- I can keep mourning and crying, or
- I can enjoy what I have now and get myself towards having another go.
I guess it is important to get healthier, happier, and stronger. Get yourself in shape, work, meet your friends, distract. Will I forget about her? Never, this mad experience will stay forever in my heart. But did it make us feel closer to each other? Absolutely. That night, we actually spent an amazing night playing the Spanish game ‘Uno’ and shared some great laughs.
Was I asking why me? Was I wondering what happened during weeks six and seven and who I should blame? Was I jealous of other women near me who were successfully carrying their second babies? Oh, I had the entire spectrum of feelings! And this is ok.
I also had expectations. See, during the first twelve weeks, it is hard not to give a sneak peek at what your life will be looking like in six to eight months. Expectations are what usually disappoint us the most. It was hard not to calculate the due date and get happy that I’d have a second baby before my son turns five. It was hard not to plan a trip to Argentina and surprise our family. It was almost impossible not to get so excited about going on maternity leave soon and enjoying picking up my son from his first year of school. Expectations were the ones that dragged me down too.
But the main question is…do I want to have another baby? Absolutely yes.
Then I do not have time for anything else but to enjoy life to the fullest and show myself that I can, my body can, and I am capable of having a baby. Then my husband and I do not have time but to enjoy each other’s company and keep supporting each other. There was nothing wrong with me or him. There were circumstances and it was meant to happen that way.
Sitting on a plastic chair at the hospital’s waiting room for five hours after being insanely bleeding for an hour, I only hoped to hear that my body was safe, and it has been recovering well.
All I want is to recover…
…because there are hundreds of incredibly beautiful things that are about to happen to me soon.
To all of us!
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